my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.