The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.