I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
hmmm
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body