Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
same vibe as tangled headphones
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.