Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!