I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized