[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.