Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.