I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
You Might Also Like
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.