It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Finally! 😈
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance