After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.