The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
(True)
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not