DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows