This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game