a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*lint rolls you awake*
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.