The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
December birthdays be like…
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus