upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother