When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.