The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born