It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
normalize having existential bread
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
my professor scared me for a second
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.