Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.