“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?