It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.