The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Just me?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
dutch so unserious
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.