SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Them: Just act casual
Me:
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today