Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.