If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?