Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Damn what did I do next
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.