Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”