I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.