What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Aaaa…CHOO!
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
felt that