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[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
welp
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.