good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
🤣😈🤣
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it