I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.