My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”