You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.