It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
So the ex texted me
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.