Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.