[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or