[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️