Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim