Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?