I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh