Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)