I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect