5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
You Might Also Like
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are