Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
you have three unread messages
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.