One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Ummm
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.