I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost