Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks